The Gift

It's 11:28 pm and I just finished wrapping all of the birthday gifts we have picked out for Lucas. Noah and Ryan picked out a game that they would like to play with Lucas and I chose the "next level" gifts. First Mazes workbooks to begin tracing and printing, new flashcards, and of course the ultra cool Leapster palm pilot fully equipped with stylus and all.

I imagine most moms can't help but reminisce about the day of their child's birth and the memories that shape that day each time their child celebrates a birthday. The feeling of the warm and wriggling new life being placed in my arms for the first time is one of the rare times I've gotten to experience a true miracle in my life. I remember each time it happened having the thought cross my mind that I now have yet another human being I would willingly lay my life down for.

Lucas's birthday takes me on journey each year. When I was pregnant with him, I began to have periods of time where I couldn't breathe...at all. This would progress to chest pain and my heart thumping so loudly I couldn't stand it. After being woken up several times, I began to realize it was fear and although I had many tests, including a level two sonogram that ruled out all chromosomal abnormality, I knew something was wrong.

It all culminated the day before Lucas was born, ironically my husband's birthday (Happy Birthday Honey!) and I had to go into the hospital overnight with an induction scheduled for the morning. I remember laying perfectly still and awake the entire night, pleading with God to let me live through whatever was coming, because I was needed. In the morning the nurse told me I could take a shower before the induction. I stood in that shower, literally feeling the fear wash down the drain with the water. I felt strong and certain of myself. I remember thinking it was such a relief to finally feel that fear leave my body.

Indeed through my whole labor I felt this strength, as the pain ripped through my body I used it to fuel an energy I had, a sense that I was in control of this situation, a certainty that this child was coming and he needed me.

The moment I delivered my son was the highest high I'd ever felt. He was alive and crying with great Apgars and I was fine. I was also certain something else was coming. As they placed that new life in my arms I watched him, beautiful, sweet, brand new, able to latch on, swollen and small. That was the first time in his life that his beautiful blue eyes that sparkled like diamonds betrayed him. I knew. I told Sean I knew and everything changed. Nothing would ever be the same.

Today, I think about that day and all it's events, I think about that new life that was given to us, how we were told he would ask so much yet has done nothing but give, the life we was told would be slow yet we've had to catch up with, the life we were told could burden our marriage and other children yet leaves us wondering how we could possibly exist without, the life we were told would have difficulty learning yet has been the most impressive teacher.

It is now 12:07am and it is officially Lucas Christopher's birthday. What I wouldn't give to have that brand new life in my arms again, to repeat all the promises we made and know we were keeping every last one.    

I Love You Lucas, Happy Birthday!